Learning how to talk to your children about divorce may feel heavy, but these conversations can also open space for honesty, closeness and healing. Even in moments of change, connection can bring comfort and hope for what comes next.

As a parent or caregiver navigating divorce, you’re overcome with emotions of your own. So what’s the best way to have a conversation with the rest of your family about it? Going through a divorce is already a complex time. But you don’t have to do it alone. 

Having an honest, reassuring conversation with your children will help them to understand all the changes that come with such a separation and bring you closer together as a family. 

It’s normal to feel anxious about such big discussions. But remember: The conversations don’t need to be perfect, and neither do you! Openness and honesty with your children will help everyone care for each other in this difficult season and heal together in the future.

Why Honest Conversations Matter

Parents and caregivers are the first and most important role models for children. Being open and honest (in an age-appropriate way) can help your children to be more accepting of their emotions, too. Separation or divorce brings a lot of uncertainty about the future, but open communication will help children to feel safe and connected to you. Honesty builds trust!

Part of honesty is showing children how you’re genuinely feeling. Too “business-as-usual” can make the conversation feel disconnected, leaving children unsure about what feelings are allowed. Showing a bit of authentic emotion, in a regulated way, shows that you’re emotionally present.

Worried you might say the wrong thing? That’s okay! You don’t have to have all the answers or do it perfectly. Being consistent and reassuring will matter more to your kids than doing it “right.”

Preparing Yourself First

Honest conversations don’t mean easy conversations. Before you sit down with your children, take a moment to reflect:

• How are you feeling about the divorce? Sad? Relieved? Angry? Confused? A little of everything? All feelings are valid! It might help to start a journal about how you’re feeling.
• Do you have someone you can lean on? Who are your friends and family you can call when you need to talk to someone, or just have a shoulder to cry on?
• Have you talked to key supports in your child’s life to make sure they’re ready to help? For example, you can talk to your child’s teacher a few days before you talk to them, so they can extend extra grace to your child in the days to come.
• What other support do you need? Think about how loved ones can help you adjust to this change, whether it’s helping transport children to school or providing financial support while you get on your feet.

If all the emotions are too heavy to cope with on your own, ask a friend, family member or therapist for help. There is strength in asking for help. You don’t have to do any of this alone!

Tips for Talking with Children and Teens: Do’s and Don’ts

Despite giving yourself grace, you may still feel overwhelmed at the idea of explaining such a complicated situation to your children or teens. The most important takeaway for your children and teens: Remind them they’ll be loved no matter what. While divorce brings changes, something that won’t change is how much they are loved. Keeping in mind discussing the topic in a way that is approachable and age-appropriate for your children.

To keep the conversation a safe, supportive space for everyone:

• DO Keep It Simple, Slow and Honest. Speak directly. Explain the situation in an age-appropriate way, with words they can understand. The news will be so emotional to process, so it helps to speak very slowly and clearly.
• DO Prioritize Reassurance. It’s common for children to blame themselves in a situation like this, which can take a toll on their self-esteem. Make a point of telling them that this is not their fault. They’re still so deeply loved and cared for. Say this as often as they need to hear it!
• DO Talk About Changes. Explain what will and what won’t change in their daily life, from who will be picking them up from school to where each parent will live.
• DO Validate ALL Feelings. Let your children know that there is no “wrong” way to feel and it’s okay for them to express big feelings in a healthy way. Tell them how you’re feeling too, even “I feel sad too.”
• DO Continue the Conversation. Healing takes time, and your children will likely need time to process the situation. Make sure your children know they can come to you when they want to talk more. Gently check in on your children, but don’t pressure them to talk about it if they’re not ready.
• DO Build Supportive Routines. You can rebuild a sense of stability by having family- and community-oriented routines. Something as simple as having dinner together at night or going on an evening walk as a family can make a big difference.
• DO Support Your Child by Bridging Both Homes. Children and teens can struggle when life feels too different at each home. When routines, rules or expectations vary, kids can become overwhelmed and may gravitate toward one home more than the other — especially if one parent isn’t keeping up with their emotional or developmental growth. Communicating about routines, staying updated on your child’s growth, and making space for who they’re becoming can go a long way in helping kids feel grounded and supported.

Try to Avoid:

• DON’T Criticize or Bash the Ex-spouse. Speaking negatively about the other parent can lead to your child feeling hurt, confused or guilty. They might feel there’s something wrong with them for loving their parent, or that they have to “choose” or take sides.
• DON’T Use Children as Messengers or Spies. Do not use children to relay information to or from the ex-spouse, or to gather details about the other parent’s life. Even when you and your ex-spouse disagree, don’t put your child in the middle.
• DON’T Lie or Withhold Information. Not all adult details are appropriate to share. But avoid outright lies or omissions. Simplify the information to a level they can understand. They may have a lot of questions, and you might not have all the answers! But do your best to be honest, even if the answer is “I’m not sure yet” or “I don’t know.” False promises can erode trust.
• DON’T Discuss Divorce Details. Avoid going into the specifics of financial matters, legal battles or the adult reasons for the divorce with children. 

Talking about Divorce: What Should I Say?

Every family situation and dynamic is different! Before delivering the news, acknowledge what’s best for your own family. Here are some suggestions.

To break the news to your child or teen, it can help to start by sharing an honest and simple explanation. 

Try something like this: We love being your parents. We love you so much. But we’ve realized we’re not as great of a team while being married. We’ve thought about this for a long time. We’ve decided it’s best to not stay married and instead get a divorce. 

Reassure children that it isn’t their fault by emphasizing that it’s an adult decision and they’ve done nothing wrong. 

Try something like this: You didn’t do anything to cause this. Nothing you do now will change it or cause it. When parents get divorced, children sometimes worry that they might have done something wrong, but they didn’t. Divorce happens between two adults. This is a decision we made about our own relationship, and that’s separate from you. 

Talk about how this will impact them, including living arrangements.

Try something like this: One parent will stay living in this house, and one will move to a house nearby. You’ll still get to spend time with both of us, and we’ve made a schedule. You’ll still have the same toys, the same friends, the same grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, the same routines. 

Affirm that whatever they’re feeling is okay, and it’s okay if how they’re feeling changes.

Try something like this: This news is big. It’s okay if you’re feeling lots of different feelings. You might feel worried, sad, mad or maybe relieved or curious. I’m feeling sad about some of these changes, too. All your feelings are allowed. Some days you might feel confused or mad. You can tell us. Often, tough feelings are strong at the beginning, and then it gets easier. 

Remind them how loved they are, that they can always count on you for support — and that you’re always here to answer questions.

Try something like this: You can love us both. We want you to have fun with us both! Some things are going to change, but we’ll keep talking about this. You can ask any questions you have, anytime.

When to Ask for More Support

Even if you do everything “right” and have the best intentions going into this conversation, sometimes you or your children may need additional support. It’s smart to ask for help! It can be very empowering to get guidance from someone who isn’t living in the situation each day. 

The stress from a divorce can lead to noticeable changes in your child or teen’s behavior. If a child feels overwhelmed for a long period of time, professional help from mental health professionals can support their well-being and growth during the process.

When checking in on your children (and yourself!), here are some signs that it might be worth talking to a mental health professional:

• Mood swings or other changes 
• Noticeable shifts in appetite or sleep habits
• Social withdrawal or changing friend groups
• Rebellion (for example, breaking rules on purpose or skipping school)
• Persistent worry or sadness
• Behavioral changes or regressions into old habits 

Some of this is to be expected when going through a stressful experience like a divorce, but if these signs continue or seem to be getting worse instead of better, reach out to a therapist, counselor or mental health professional. Camber Mental Health offers support to children, adults and families in the Olathe area. We are here to support you however we can.

We’re Proud of You for Showing Up!

Having an intentional, honest conversation with your family is no small thing. That takes a lot of energy and emotional strength, no matter how the discussion goes. Whatever happens, you are enough. Simply having a conversation, taking the time to listen or giving a hug shows your child that you are here for them, loving them down the path of healing.

What has helped you to handle difficult conversations with your children? Share with us on Instagram and let us know if you have any questions.

We’re Here For You

If your family is navigating the changes that come with divorce, Camber Mental Health is here to help. Our compassionate team provides care and guidance for children and teens through inpatient and outpatient programs designed to support emotional wellbeing and strengthen family connections.

To learn more about admissions or explore how Camber can support your family’s next steps, call our admissions team at (913) 890-7468 or visit cambermentalhealth.org/admissions.